The following section presents excerpts from an Executive Summary of a Final Technical Report on a new conference registration system created by a software development team in Qatar. The developers believe that the innovative features of their new system make it superior to its competitors. However, their clients (the Qatar National Convention Center) did not find the Executive Summary and Report convincing enough. In the challenges that follow, try to consider the options presented so that the developers can make the most effective case for their audience.

Directions: Identify and improve text that can make the report more effective, in terms of its coherence, concision, and correctness.

Challenge 1: Being Coherent

Your Goal

connecting old information with new information in a seamless manner

Coherence Example

Less Coherent

“Coherence connects old information with new information. Concision cuts out unnecessary information.”

More Coherent

“Coherence connects old information with new information. Unlike Coherence,concision cuts out unnecessary information.”

Comments on Response Options:

Problem Text

The system is designed for conference managers, the contact from each participating school, and the System Admin. This shows that a benefit of this system is allowing multiple users to log in. The system also has an external server, which facilitates access from any conference location.

Option A

“In addition to catering to multiple users, the system also offers service from multiple locations. Its external server, for example,”

This is a great option, as it connects the old benefits (catering to multiple users) with the new benefits (catering to multiple locations). This connection highlights these benefits for your audience.

Option B

“An added benefit benefit of this system is allowing multiple users to log in. A third benefit is its external server, which”

This option creates a sense of a list of benefits without showing the connection between them. This option would be more effective if it was made clear to the audience from the beginning that the benefits would be listed.

Option C

“This shows that the system considers multiple users and access through its external server, which”

This option uses a pronoun (“this”) to connect the already-known system advantages with the advantages that are mentioned after. However, this option may work only for an audience which is already familiar with what the pronouns refers to.