Place of Reflection
Being disorganized makes every day a little like Christmas.
Friendly fire isn't.
Suppressing fire won't.
Incoming fire has right-of-way.
A good run is always better than a poor fight.
Anyone who feels that it is immoral to pay someone to pretend to care about you has no business flying first class. Or going to a doctor. Or...
Survivors are dangerous people.
Always store beer in a dark place.
Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done. Then do it.
Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough to make your second shot perfect.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it's not science. It's opinion.
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
It has long been known that one horse can run faster than another. But which one? Differences are crucial.
Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button pushers.
If you don't like yourself, you can't like other people.
Nothing *ever* gets built on schedule or under budget.
It is better to copulate than never.
All men are created unequal.
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.
A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate.
When one door closes another opens. But these hallways are the pits!
It may be better to be a live jackle than a dead lion, but better still to be a live lion. And usually easier.
Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to mechanical toys, it's more sanitary.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or hungry.
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
Democracy is based on the assumption that a million people are wiser than one.
Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man is wiser than a million. Who decides?
The truth of a notion has nothing to do with it's credibility. And vice versa.
Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free of any possibility of wrongdoing -- and you don't have to walk home in the cold. But it's *lonely.*
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
The most preposterous notion is that copulation is inherently sinful.
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of. But do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
The shamans are forever yacking about their snake-oil "miracles". I prefer the Real McCoy -- a pregnant woman.
If the universe has any purpose more important than topping the woman you love and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
When the ship sails, all debts are paid.
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
One man's magic is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.
Rub her feet.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Always tell her she is beautiful.
There may be no candidates you want to vote for, but there are certainly some you want to vote *against*.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.
Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the bald truth on social occasions.
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors - and miss.
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the windmills.
Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capitol crime. For a first offense, that is.
A skunk is better company than a man who prides himself on being frank.
Natural laws have no pity.
Freedom begins when you go tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
You can go wrong by being too skeptical as readily as by being to trusting.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
A committee is an animal with six or more legs and no brain.
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Everything to the excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature", he may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
A woman is not property, and husbands who think so are living in a dreamworld.
Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. He is also a fool.
Everybody lies about sex.
Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.
In space, no one can hear you play air guitar.
A pile for everything, and everything in its pile.
Cheap, fast, good. Pick two.
Do it. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.
If you can't create it, respect it.
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance.
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then, if he doesn't like what you say, he's a mile away and barefoot.
Never let any mechanical device know that you are in a hurry.
Never use a tool that is more intelligent than you are.
People who fight fire with fire, generally end up as ashes.
Pick your enemies carefully. They're harder to get rid of than friends.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that fire departments generally use water.
You can fly, but that cocoon has to go.
You can't achieve the impossible unless you attempt the absurd.
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
Don't pay taxes, it just encourages them!
Nobody can fix the economy. Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button. VOTE FOR NOBODY.
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
This isn't hell. This is where you get sent if you've been bad in hell.
Opening night -- the night before the play is ready to open.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some people abuse the privilege.
Does it have enhanced IR vision, a particle beam weapon with target acquisition, highly amplified arm/leg systems, self-contained atmosphere, and a small nuclear plant? Not much of a "power suit", is it?
Few things are as ego-boosting as being kicked out of an anarchy convention for unruly behavior.
I don't care WHO you are. You're not walking on water when I'm fishing!
I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!
I tried to be reasonable once. I didn't like it.
I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible.
If it doesn't work, use a bigger hammer. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
I'm not panicking. I'm watching you panic. It's much more entertaining.
Of course I'm arrogant. The best usually are.
Of course my job looks easy -- I'm doing it.
Sarcasm? What's that?
That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.
A dullard is someone who can open a dictionary or encyclopedia and read only what they'd planned to.
If you've never said "excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your knee into a fireplug, you're wasting too much valuable reading time.
The worst book in a trilogy is the fourth.
You can't judge a book by it's movie.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Cats know your every thought. They don't care, but they know.
Most people with cats know they're being controlled... that's the horror of it!
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Thousands of years ago, the Egyptians worshiped cats. Cats have never forgotten this.
Whatever you're doing, it's not as important as petting the cat.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see much better than he can think.
Barbie doesn't come with Ken. She comes with GI Joe -- she fakes it with Ken.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals and 326 admonishments to heterosexuals. This doesn't mean God doesn't love heterosexuals, He just thinks they require more supervision.
Don't flirt. Hit me with a clue-by-four.
In lieu of true love, I'm looking for cheap dates.
The heck with top or bottom. I want a relationship with strangeness and charm.
It's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a sex machine.
Ask me -- I'm interactive.
A computer is a genie that can grant any wish. But it must be expressed exactly and in binary.
Computers run on smoke. If it leaks out, they don't work.
The generation of random numbers is much to important to be left to chance.
Hit any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
The human mind ordinarily operates at 10% of capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system.
I have not lost my mind. It's backed up on disk somewhere.
It's simple. You've seen what food processors do with food, right?
One picture had better be worth a thousand words. It takes up more disk space!
Software is like entropy: it's hard to grasp, it weighs nothing, and it's always increasing.
They aren't broken. They're... uh... modular.
The difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman is that a car salesman knows when he is lying. And he can drive.
The part of the computer that can be kicked is hardware. The stuff you can only curse at is software.
Hit any key? With what?
I hate this machine. It never does what I want, only what I tell it.
If cars followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.
It's not a bug. It's an undocumented feature.
No wanna work! Wanna bang on keyboard!
The software is full of magical things waiting for the staff training to improve.
C code. C code run. Run, code, run!
Lisp is like a finely choreographed ballet. Ada is like a waltz of drugged elephants. C is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.
We are Microsoft. OS/2 is irrelevant. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated.
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because programmers hate it so much.
If it were easy to understand, we wouldn't call it code.
A running program is the moment of truth. All else is prophesy or nostalgia.
Jobs don't kill programmers. Programmers kill jobs.
My monitor is so small, every time I open a file I break a window!
C sick and sh shocked.
I do so have memory. It's in /usr.
Programmers like C because it's the only language they can spell.
Opportunity is a good chance that always looks bigger going than coming.
If you want to know how many friends you have, just buy a cottage on a lake.
God must love the common man, He made so many of them.
A banker is a fellow who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that ones work is terribly important.
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
Nobody roots for Goliath.
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
What a big gap there is between advice and help.
A jury should decide a case the minute they are shown it, before the lawyers have had a chance to mislead them.
Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women.
Some people are like a callus; they only show up when the work is finished.
Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
The drive-in bank was established so that the real owner of a car would get to see it once in a while.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them, the rest of us could not succeed.
I owe much. I have nothing. The rest I leave to the poor.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Anyone can win. Unless there happens to be a second entry.
You can always tell a real friend. When you've made a fool of yourself, he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
Always borrow from a pessimist -- he never expects it back.
Even if your on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right.
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intellect long enough to get money from it.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.
Before you borrow money from a friend, decide which you need more.
There's no traffic jam on the extra mile.
It is better to give than to lend, and costs about the same.
If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.
If you want to see a short summer, borrow some money due in the fall.
A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.
Some who are not paid what they are worth, ought to be glad.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
A chip on the shoulder is often a piece of wood that has fallen from the head.
The two hardest things to handle in life are failure and success.
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.
If your head is wax, do not walk in the sun.
We do not stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when your interrupting.
There are plenty of good five-cent cigars in this country. The trouble is they cost a quarter. What this country really needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
When opportunity knocks, some people are in the back yard looking for four-leaf clovers.
All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
Diplomacy is thinking twice before saying nothing.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Nothing is humbler than ambition, when it is about to climb.
Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much.
If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead. If you strike oil.
Don't be humble; you're not that great.
We can't all be heros because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
It is ill manners to silence the fool, and cruelty to let him go on.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.
He that scatters thorns, let him not go barefoot.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Love your enemies, for they tell you your faults.
Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Eloquence is saying the proper thing then stopping.
He knows nothing. He thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a political career.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
I don't jog. If I die, I want to be sick.
Admiration is our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Success is a matter of buying your experience cheap and selling it at a profit.
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs and he is trying to run away, it is best to let him run.
Some people don't have much to say. but you have to listen a long time to find it out.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
Vacation is the period when those rainy days for which a person saves, usually arrive.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
Walking isn't a lost art. One must, by some means, get to the garage.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
God put me on this world to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind, I may never die.
The only thing I've ever been on top of was the food chain, and now my doctor says I can't eat red meat!
As long as there are women and booze, there can be no secrets.
Experience is a hard teacher. The test is given first, then the lesson.
Nice computers don't go down.
Real programmers like C because it's the only language that they can spell.
To err is human. To really foul up requires the root password.
The amount of common sense is fixed, but the population keeps going up.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.
Any corporation will do things too dumb for a person to do. Any government will do things too dumb for a corporation to do. The older and bigger a corporation gets, the more it resembles a government.
Eagles soar, but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
If you don't know history, your condemned to repeat it. If you do know history, you're doomed to make other dumb mistakes.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
You can't stop the world, why let it stop you?
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
Happy hour is whenever we want it. Unless we also want cheap drinks.
Better to be occasionally cheated than constantly suspicious.
Murphy was wrong.
We'd made it through yet another nuclear winter and the lawn had just trapped and eaten its first robin.
May you not be eaten by something bigger.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A white shirt always attracts curry.
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
You never want the one you can afford.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love cats.. They taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6 pack just to watch it die.
What's wrong with wanting more? If you can fly, then soar. With all there is, why settle for just a piece of sky?
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
Lust is pure. 'Tis Love, Lust's little sister, that is tainted.
In our society, the scarce factor is not information, it is time to attend to information.
I don't get even, I get odd.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.
The world won't end today....It's already tomorrow in Australia.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's
safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
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