Steven Wright Jokes

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I like to skate on the other side of the ice... I like to reminisce with people I don't know... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I lost a button hole today.
I collect rare photographs. I have two. One of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I met her at Macy's. She was shopping. I was putting Slinky's on the escalator.
When I was a child, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
Some people think George is weird because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Women... can't live with 'em... can't shoot 'em
He was a multi-millionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again...
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up... so I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, "Where do you live?"... I said, "Right here"... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me"... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing...
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy...
I have a switch in my apartment... It doesn't do anything. Every once in a while, I turn it on and off. One day I got a call... It was from a woman in France... She said, "Cut it out!"
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?". The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?". I said "Yes..." The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend, Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthtmark til he was eight years old.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. We went to Fort Lauderdale and back again. I told him, "Now you're done!" He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say, "C'mere Stay, C'mere Stay," and he'd go like this... (FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF) He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg... and a real foot.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job".
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash. The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it... [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says, "Here, you can go."
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said, "Oops."
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.
I went fishing with Salvador Dali... He was using a dotted line... caught every other fish.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad!
I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh... I don't think so... He's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait..."
Right now I'm having deja vu and amnesia at the same time.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, 'cause that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says "1 inch = 1 inch". I hardly ever unroll it.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I was born by Caesarian Section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
A friend of mine sent me a postcard with a satellite photo of the entire planet on it... and on the back he wrote, "Wish you were here."
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I bought some powdered water... but I didn't know what to add.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
You can't have everything... where would you put it?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I saw a sign, "Rest Area 25 Miles". I thought, "Wow! That's Big... People must get real tired around here."
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Bucket... Kitten On Fire...
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote, "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Its a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there... Confuse the hunters.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
When buying clothes, I wear an extra medium.
I saw a bank that said, "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
When I have a kid, I want to buy a twin-stroller and put him in one side, and then walk around like this [frantically looking around while pretending to push stroller]...
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Why is the alphabet in that order?
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep. The record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought a house, on a one-way, dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me were furious!
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast and stick it out the window.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *AMAZING*.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".
While I was out walking the other day, I saw a sign stapled to a telephone pole: "Reward: Lost: fifty dollars. If found, just keep it."
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents are midgets, but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
Hermits have no peer pressure.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I took a baby shower.
(Ad for a local student radio station) Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
One time I was hitchhiking when a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far."
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
When I was little, my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I was driving down the street at 100 miles per hour for no reason. The police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "Why? I had my foot to the floor. It sends more gas to the carburetor. It makes the engine go faster. The whole car just takes off." And I said, "See this wheel, this steers it."
I had amnesia once or twice.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Every time I think about the past it brings back so many memories.
The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the water'd be if they didn't?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [picks up his glass of water from the stool] I like to live on the edge.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription for my eyeglasses ran out.
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
I recently bought a decaffeinated coffee table... You can't tell.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I couldn't believe it. I got my roommate and showed him. I said, "Look at this--everything's been replaced with an