Classic One-Liners Compiled by Neil Simonetti

Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in labratory rats.
As Albert Einstein once said, "If you can't think of something relevant to say, just make up something and attribute it to some really smart dead guy."
/EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
The American Non-Sequitur Society
We don't make sense but we do like pizza!
An egotist is a person of low taste -- more interested in himself than in me.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'til noon.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Militant Agnostic -- I don't know, and you don't either!
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I would watch out for those humanitarians.
Rule of thumb for the debate between dinner preparation and eating out:
If you ain't broke, don't fix it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
80% of all Americans consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Fudge Factor: The numerical factor by which experimental results must be multiplied to be in agreement with theory.
The gap between theory and practice in theory is no where near the gap between theory and practice in practice.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure just how many beers you had last night.
If you were to spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would completely cover the entire Sahara Desert.
Nothing can be made foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Hofstadter's law:
Any task requires more time than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's law.
Finknottle's Rule:
Any time you get more than 6 people involved, one of them turns out to be a complete idiot, who will fill your life with misery and despair. This is also known as the "School Board Effect", in some places.
He who hesitates is probably driving the car in front of you.
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
All instructors believe you have nothing else to do except study for their particular course.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Your Horoscope:
You are easily influenced by what you read, and have the ability to relate vague sentences to your own mundane existence.
[...or...]
Today you will realize that your biggest problem is indecisiveness. Or possibly procrastination. Tomorrow may be a better day to figure out which.
Experience is something you get just after you need it.
Drink milk or suffer eternal damnation and hellfire.
- Brought to you by the Evangelist Dairy Producers of America
Cheer for competitive computing:
Shift to the left! Shift to the right!
Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte!
Drink your Coffee! There are people in India sleeping.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Forgiveness is easier to get than permission.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
The price of feathers has increased... Now even down is up.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... uh...
You've been leading a dog's life... Stay off the furniture.
Spurious statistics are up 13% this year.
Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want
Country music lyrics that didn't make it:
"If my nose were full of nickels, I'd blow it all on you."
I have friends who swear they dream in color...
...but I tell them it's just a pigment of their imagination.

Check out Ron Lunde's Humorscope.

If you have any one-liners worthy of this collection,
mail them to neils@andrew.cmu.edu