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In Memoriam

J Samuel "Sammy" MacRoachworth, Esq.
(A cold day in the distant past - September 13, 2005)

"Play it again, Sam."

Pictured above is our (former) resident cockroach and beloved comrade Sammy. Though I would be remiss not to extol Sammy's many virtues, I prefer not to dwell on a past that brings so much lamentation and remorse in the present. Reflections on my honorable friend's noble life are now like a bright shaft of light that is too insufferable for my weary eyes to bear after being inundated by the darkness of Sammy's death. However, a quick word regarding the circumstances of Sammy's sudden demise may be in order for the many privileged souls whose lives were touched by Sammy.

After returning from an exceptionally good Of Montreal concert at the Warhol a number of Thursdays ago, Sammy greeted me in a surprise midnight visit as I entered my room. Not wanting to impose upon my guest's comfort, I spent the weekend at a lavish resort in North Oakland thanks to the incomparable generosity of my good friends Josh, Ali, and Amanda. I returned to my dormitory room after the weekend had passed, thinking that my visitor's stay had expired during my absence. But alas it did not, as I was soon to find out on the ensuing Tuesday evening. During a confrontation with the visibly crazed cockroach at approximately 2350 hours on that night, Sammy became insubordinate and frankly quite unruly. In response, I (a can of Lysol in hand) and my roommate Robert (his ROTC boots in toe) were able to prevent a possibly life-threatening situation from escalating by permanently pacifying our dear friend Sammy. Robert and I both began shedding a veritable fountain of tears as we watched the life ebbing away from a being that crossed the bar - as it were - at much too young an age. The local coroner's report stated that Sammy likely had "overdosed on speed around the time of his death, because he was running really, really fast." Manifestly traumatized by our experience, Robert and I refused to talk or to leave our dormitory during the days immediately following this horrific series of events.

His tragic death will be mourned in insect communities around campus for many years to come. In lieu of flowers, please send monetary donations to the "John-and-Robert-Need-to-Buy-a-Can-of-Raid-Very-Soon" Foundation.