Headlines (Page Eight)

Page Eight:

I know that gorillas are supposed to be intelligent, but I had no idea... Look at this... "Gorillas of Rwanda lecture at Denver Musuem of Natural History." Apparently the gorillas can't spell "museum" however.

I hear people complain about housing prices, but you've got to be prepared to do a little work. Here's a fixer upper for $189,000. That's a helluva deal -- look at that!

Readers were asked in this questionnaire whether men or women drive differently... "As a passenger, I feel safer with: 35% said a male driver, 23% said a female driver and... 42% said 'other.'" What's an other?!

Here's a good 'Welcome to Washington'... "Ethics ordinance won't apply to elected officials." Whew! Thank God for that!

Here's somebody just trying to cash in. They obviously had a lot of stupid teddy bears left over. Humfrey the Plush Easter Bunny... That's not an Easter Bunny -- it's a teddy bear with ears stuck on!

Thank God racists are stupid... "Americans, help us boycott Mexico... Respect Are Country! Speak English!"

I guess this is for coring fruit. My favorite thing, when a product comes from China, is to read their directions... "You clever housewife why don't you take and try this magic spade? It's razores are so strong that if you wished your daughter to screw with it, she can do that to help you."

What's this all about? "Hey, guys, are you looking for some 'sheep' fun?"

And finally... My favorite... Here's a lovely 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2100 square foot country house in the hills above the Valley. "Seller very motivated -- this won't last long!" Yeah, I guess not! BUY IT NOW!!!!

I hope this wasn't deliberate... "Teen learns to live with stu-t-t-t-ering." It seems cruel.

This is lovely... "Youth Power Weekend -- Arts in the Park. Enjoy a variety of cultural activities... mime, improvisation, juggling... live sex." Hey, yeah! At first I wasn't gonna go. I'm not a big fan of mime, but now...!

Do you ever wonder what's inside of McDonald's hamburgers? "People. Our Most Important Ingredient."

I don't understand this... "Free to a good home: Trick chickens and stunt goats."

This is my favorite one... This kills me! is is what happens when the government moves the decimal point one over from where it is supposed to be... "Town angered by ladder swap. Fire engine ladder is 7.5 feet, not 75 feet as originally planned." Look, the fire engine showed up with the ladder and it is only 7 feet tall!!! The ladder is not even as big as Shaq!

Okay, here's where the country's going... "Product of U.S.A. May contain ingredients from Mexico and/or China and/or India and/or Brazil and/or Chile and/or Argentina."

Here's a heck of a deal... Sports memorabilia is huge! Look at this... "Soccer ball signed by either Pele, the former Brazilian soccer player widely renowned by most experts and fans to be the finest player that ever existed, or by some guy named Peter, $75." I like how it is the same price whether it was signed by Pele or Peter! It's still $75!!

How cruel is this? "In December of 2004, the Curtis Park Neighborhood Association and the city entered into a one-year agreement that allowed St. Francis to start a pilot program that gave the homeless a place to stay overnight and sleep, as long as they were not lying down."

Here's an interesting question... "Results from Friday's Question of the Day. Do you eat corn on the cob horizontally or vertically?" 12.3% said yes. 88.7% said no. Well! I'm glad we cleared that up!

"Bishop Wuerl says goodbye." That is the oddest picture that I have ever seen! Apparently he's the "head" of the church.

Let me explain what is happening here... These two men are giving this lovely woman a check. Unfortunately the check is white and the woman's sweater is white... so it looks like they are giving her a "twister."

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