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Page Seven:

Festivities at Cottonwood Park... Look at all the things to do... I'd like to do the watermelon and pet eating contests. Put your doggie on the spit there, missy.

"World Class is an organization in Seoul that brings together all nationalities to discuss world issues and break down cultural barriers and prejudices. We meet once a week." NO CANADIANS PLEASE!

Aw, man! Here's America!... "Local child wins gun from fundraiser." This 10-month old won a 17-calibur Marlin rifle.

This one just makes me laugh -- it's so stupid... "Fifth grader Catherine Johnson tries on a space suit worn by astronaut Neil Armstrong when he walked on the moon..."

Someone gave me this... It's a moist towelette. Can you see what it says?... "Cleans and refreshes without soap and water." Contents... Soap and water.

Police blotter... Police activity... "3:33pm, 800 block of E. First Street... chicken at large!"

"Nonna's -- pizza, pasta, coffee... Made from authentic Italians." Itsa soylent green -- itsa people!

This seems a little cruel... "What would you do about feral cats?" "I think they should be trapped, neutered and fed just like the homeless." Are we neutering the homeless now? I had no idea!

This is an entry form for the "Draw Your Dad" contest. "If your dad is the handsomest man in the world, draw his face and send it into the newspaper." And they give an example... How much therapy is that kid in?! Can we get Child Services over there to look in on that kid?!

This is the most horrible thing I have ever seen... "Throwing Star Grab Bag." Just reach in there, kids... AGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Here is a classic definition of a headline bit... "U.N. issues report to stop issuing so many reports."

Well, here's something you'll want to do... "Protect yourself from summer fun." Say you're going to the beach but you don't want to have a good time... Well, have I got the plan for you...

I like weather... Here's your Hudson River area forecast... "Mostly cloudy, fog, drizzle, general sadness."

I say good! What goes around, comes around! It's about time! "Alton attorney accidentally sues himself." There you go!!!

Look at this menu... Meatballs, pasta salad... Broken glass.

Here's the Sunbeam thermometer. "Keep track of the temperature with this easy to read outdoor thermometer." Hey, what's the temperature? It's 20 minutes after 8.

Hey, here's something you might like for the house... A "white trash compactor!"

Do you have any GE Monogram appliances? They're fine appliances, but I don't know about this one... GE Mammogram dish washer. Apparently, while you're washing the dishes, you just lean forward and it gives you...

This is the HyperFlex Stretchy String. It says the 12 inch string will stretch to over 10 feet. Over 10 feet! Look on the back of the package... "DO NOT STRETCH OVER 10 FEET!"

"Asian girl -- grand opening."

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