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Page Twelve:

With friends like these who needs enemies?

They make them that small?

Now that's a stogie.

Eat kids free!

Here's a hard guy to pick out of a line-up. Figure that out.

This is what happens when you don’t hire professionals to create your advertising... No phone number, no name. What are you supposed to do, just yell? Akiva? Akiva!

Police release sketches of two jewelry store robbers... if you've seen either of these two men, please call the police immediately.

I guess one letter makes a difference. "Kitchen" is the key word... "Digital bitchen timer." Get your Mom a bitchin' timer!

I don't think Wendy's is going to be doing any more of these "Fun Food Facts"... "Did you know that in the U.S., farmers use 1.5 billion pounds of pesticides, and that these pesticides end up in half the food we eat? Kind of scary, isn't it?"

The Learning Center reports a man standing at his window for hours, making parents nervous... Police ID the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Here's the tag from some clothing... Made somewhere in China.

Here's Domino's new slogan... "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Mmmmm!"

I love stupid criminals. Looking for a trespasser, police enter a building and call out, "Marco... Police found the suspect when he responded, 'Polo.'"

Newspapers will often print corrections. Here's one... a headline reading "Stolen groceries," should have read "Homicide."

When the cops crack down, they really crack down. "Police arrest everyone on February 22."

How can people be this stupid? They're teaching math skills... "Should you say nine and five is thirteen, or nine and five are thirteen?" No, it's 14, you moron! How does that happen!? Am I the only one who saw that?

Quote of the week: what have you changed in your life to become environmentally friendly? esse Cooper: "Someone stole my car, so now I don't drive."

I don't even get this. Here's an apology for an apology... In correcting the incorrect statements, they incorrectly published the incorrect correction. Do you think a lawyer wrote that?

Do you like the Kentucky Derby? "Horses: Perfect eats for race day."

I love this photo. Brazilian nuns wait for... a meeting with Pope Benedict XVI.

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