Headlines (Page Ten)

Page Ten:

You have to be a really near-sighted policeman to have this happen. "Cops arrest white woman on warrant for black man." How do you make that mistake?!

Here's another car for sale... a 1996 Ford F150. "This has been a great truck -- never abused, never wrecked." Yeah, it looks like it's in great shape!

"Man with gunshot to mouth seeks help at business but won't talk." What happened?! Wrehvbnxfdghd qwrtxczdas! What is it?! Talk! Wrehvbnxfdghd qwrtxczdas!

Here's the question -- "Should Congress quit funding for Public Television and NPR, Public Radio?" Should Congress cut that funding? Richard Guess of Charleston says, "Congress should continue paying for it because if they don't, the taxpayers will end up paying for it." That's a good lesson to be learned, yes siree bob!

This made me laugh for like two minutes! It's so stupid; so idiotic! It says, "Five Minutes to Perfection Homemade German Potato Salad." Hmmmmm. Ingredients -- Two tablespoons butter, 1/4 cup of brown sugar, two cans sliced white potatoes drained and... one can of Read's German Potato Salad. Hey, did you make this yourself?! Yeah, oh yeah!

"Red Cross event stresses safety first." Oh, what's safer than that, really? Try and get the child as close to the fire as you can!

You know when you get engaged, it's the happiest time of your life. You're never happier as a couple then the day you get engaged -- especially the day you get your picture taken... David Carpenter and Amy May -- they couldn't be happier at their engagement! I can't wait to get their wedding pictures back!

This one made me laugh... "Simon Estes brings the great hits of Broadway." Look at the great hits... "September Song", "Some Enchanted Evening", and "You'll Never Walk Again." He performs this song at hospitals all around the country!

Here's where a newspaper can be very helpful... If someone commits a crime, you put their picture in the paper, then people spot 'em and they call the police. If you think you recognize this man, call Crimestoppers... Has anyone seen this man? I believe he's one of the sandpeople.

Portobello Café. I like when they try and make something sound so appealing using big or descriptive words. Look at this... "Antipasto Misto -- a copulation of daily ingredients." It's copulating right on the plate!

I love this one... "Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism."

Well, how embarrassing is this? I'm sure the story was much bigger than the correction is. Look at this... "Correction: Due to incorrect information received from the Clerk of Courts Office, Diane K. Merchant, 38, was incorrectly listed as being fined for prostitution in Wednesday's paper. The charge should have been failure to stop at a railroad crossing."

I guess they meant to say "without." "Shine like a star with drugs and alcohol." Be an Elk and shine with drugs and alcohol!

Police blotter... "8:40a.m. Shots were heard in the area of the New Falls shooting range." We've got our best detective on it.

This is an ad for some kind of loan. "Paragon Financial -- How easy it is to get loans." Look, "It's not rocket surgery!"

Do you think black defendants are treated differently by the police? Do you think that could be true? I'm going to show you this... Most wanted: Clinton Demetrich Fields -- Black male, 155 pounds... What's he wanted for?... Failure to change his address within 48 hours to the Department of Motor Vehicles. Okay, get down! GET DOWN! Up against the car! UP AGAINST THE CAR!!

You know, lawyers can drive you batty. This is something called Mornin' Gems cereal. See the cereal flying around on the cover of the box there? Look at what it says at the bottom... "Caution: Cereal pieces do not fly without assistance."

I love police blotters... This C.S.I. stuff they have now can determine when, where and how a crime happens. Vandalism! This is from the Ross County Sheriff's Department. "A vehicle on the 800 block of Hardin Drive was scratched possible with a pork chop between 4:45 and 4:52 p.m. Monday." We feel a pork chop may have been used to carry out this crime...

"Palmer Boys Scouts and Cub Scouts of Pack 164 sing their happy 81st birthday wishes for Patricia M. Mullin of Palmer yesterday..." Oh, and she's really enjoying the kids singing, isn't she?

This picture was in the paper... Two kids playing basketball. Whose arm is that in the middle?

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