One of Santa's alleged extra-marital partners imbibes too much of the special batch of egg nog.
One of Santa's alleged extra-marital partners imbibes
too much of the special batch of egg nog.
Christmas may be a little late this year as the North Pole stands in a state of utter chaos. Mrs. Hera Claus, long an enigma in the land of ice and snow due to her apparent ignorance of Mr. Claus's elfophilic tendencies, loosened her petticoats and packed a nine after finally learning of the Santa's lap-sitting practice. Psychologists theorize that the stress of constantly playing the role of warm and homely grandmother caused her to detach from reality in an internalized state of denial, until now.
Coinciding reports from mall security across the globe detail an elderly woman clad in red and adorned with heavy artillery waddling determinedly through the aisles of department stores. An elf-costumed Macy's door greeter who was held at gun point made this statement; "I've never been so terrified and confused; she kept shrieking, `Where's that fat man, I'll show him Jolly!' She smelled kinda pepperminty."
A far more tragic scene is described by our correspondent in the Arctic circle. Madam Claus has arranged to have every elfette sent off to Catholic school, cutting the faithful workforce in half in this crucial season. A protesting elf was overheard commenting, "I don't know why the Ma'am sent off all the little ladies, it weren't dem dat Daddy Claus was interested in." Worse still, Mrs. Claus refuses to prepare bowl-full-of-jelly belly-maintaining dinners for her baffled husband. Experts fear that any interference with his rosy-jolly vector (which makes possible his chimney descent and flying capabilities) will leave him just a powerless fat man.
Dear readme,
Your paper is hilarious. When I read that article about the country of Turkey getting
eaten, I laughed so hard that milk came out my
nose. The weird thing is, I wasn't even drinking
milk. Thanks! Love,
Jesus
P.S. Dad thinks you guys are great.
P.P.S. You should put in more naked people.
Dear Savior,
Thanks for the input. We'll add the naked people if you'll turn our swimming pool into wine. Or preferably, vodka. Or, if you just threaten us with eternal damnation.
-readme
Dear readme,
Everyone knows that if you rearrange the letters of "Santa," you get "Satan." But did you ever know that you can do it again and get "a Stan?" Do you think this reveals the secret identity of both?
Observant Reader
Dear Reader,
Yes. Send this to the FBI at once.
-readme
Dear readme,
Why doesn't anyone worship cheese? It's so good!
Hungry
Dear Cheeseboy,
Some day we'll do an entire page on cheese. Until then, try these these links:
www.redrival.com/callie/godofcheese/index2.html or www.cheesegod.com. (Actually, don't go to cheesegod.com. Its so unfunny that you'll cry. Go to here instead.)
-readme
Dear readme,
What's up with those Natrat writers copying your mad libs editorials and other articles? You must feel cool to have campus' #1 newspaper trying to be like you. Perhaps as tribute you could do an end-of-the-semester "emdaer" featuring all serious and boring articles that nobody reads and a comic section that's not funny?
yug derob
Dear guy,
Um. No.
-readme
12/13, 3:45 am Burglary
Campus Police responded to calls from residents of Morewood Gardens that the Grinch had stolen Christmas. Among the stolen items were Christmas trees, who-pudding, roast beast, the last can of who-hash, and the log from the fire. A police sketch of the perpetrator was drawn by an art student who witnessed the thief in the guise of a Christmas Tree Light Repairman. Police later caught the thief in the chimney of Mudge and beat him severely with billy clubs. Students are warned to lock their doors and be wary of green furry Santas..
12/14, 9:43 pm Vandalism
Universal Pictures was arrested for vandalism after the recent release of their version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. They were charged to the fullest extent of the law, as this is not the first time they have been convicted of defacing a perfectly good story. Anyone matching the description of Jim Carrey should be reported to Campus Police.
12/16, 8:11 am Divine Retribution
An off-duty police officer walking through campus reported a large crack in the earth where the Hub once stood. Students on the scene described seeing a large flaming pit open directly beneath the structure, whereupon Warner Hall collapsed and fell into the depths of Hell. When contacted, the Pope felt God's actions were self-explanatory.